Dagma and I are wedded to the soil, parents to the seed. We carry the color of tomato-green on our hands during the harvesting and live a good life, shared as gardeners together. Together, we are an inspired team. 

The ‘fruits of our labor’: more than the heirloom tomatoes we grow, or the seeds we harvest and share around the world, or anything we create outside of ourselves. The true bounty we enjoy is the relationship we share from our commitment to the wellbeing and continued growth of one another as responsible ‘gardeners’ of our respective lives.

And as her partner, friend and husband, my primary purpose is to insure that she is nourished, cared for, listened to, honored…and loved. I am the champion for her freedom –– for her to choose how to unfold into the birth of each day, authentically.

It takes a conscious effort and considerable coaching, not to steal another’s freedom when in relationship. It requires the willingness to listen above the din of ego’s noise and need to be in control. Discipline. It requires unlearning the false directives attached to being male, or female, that we’ve been handed.

Self-discipline, has been a considerable challenge to me––most, if not all, of my life. Learning to listen to the truth of another above my own wants, often difficult.

I recall the first few days of getting to know Dagma, when she visited California the first time to attend a 5-day, year-end, spiritual workshop we attended together called, “Sex, Power and Transformation,” hosted by oncologist and spiritual transformation coach, Dr. Brugh Joy. I enrolled because I was ready for a change in me and needed some coaching.

A few days into our workshop, Dagma and I were outside my home in Carmel, standing embraced under tall oaks on a moonless night. I leaned into her. It was too dark to see her face, and asked her what was most important to her in relationship.

“My freedom,” she replied. “I’ve suffered abuse in my past marriages. Never again! I do not want to be your version of me.”

I listened. However, not really, for my listening ability had not yet developed sufficiently. I was thrown off balance with her unexpected reply. Almost impulsively I responded, “I would never do that.” Then she quietly, most confidently, explained further what she meant by “your version of me.”

It took me about a year of living in denial––with these responses reverberating in me like distant church-bells, and listening to Dagma’s generous messaging as we grew closer over long distances, to hear, and understand, the truth of what she spoke.

I then confessed to her, “Finally, I’ve heard the truth of you shared with me that night we were so new. Please continue to help me know how to navigate and realize a healthy, successful life together. I’m worth your continued diligence and patience.”